Okay, so after saying that i never say what i'm really feeling on my blog i now am going to tell you precicely what is on my mind...as i don not believe spontanesous combustion to be healthy at all....

Well, you know when you have that feeling...and you don't know what it is or where it came from...you don't know if it's good or bad or if maybe it's a figment of your imagination.This feeling is just a deep sense in the bottom of your heart and most of the time you just leavee it cuz u think ah well....it's fine, i'm okay.

Well, i'v not left it....and now....i feel absolutely and monumenatally crap!

I have just suddenly realised the mountain of things i have to do....and all the really little things seem to feel like they have blown into a proper little fiasco that my head can't keep up with.

I also have finally after a year figured out my reason for underachieving....i live through other people.....instead of sorting my own life and grades and cw and shit....i simply concentrate wholly and completely on someone else's life and troubles and work and shit.....therefore leaving myself in the same place i started, and wondering why my friend is waaay ahead of me

THEREFORE....i have decided to do my work and try and sort out my own grades before i fall into a downhill spiral inevitably ending in a part time job at mcdonalds....

So yes,no more distractions....cuz lets be honest, no other tosser is gonna sort out my life so i'd better just get off my ass and DO SOMETHING!

I will obviously prioritise stuff...and i do not in any way make a pact to do all hw...that would be stupid...but i will do what needs doing

And lets be honest, although i will fight to keep my friends for life...they may not be there...and what will i do when they leave? end up in a second rate job? depressed? homeless? what will i do with myself?

If i'm constantly living through others...what will i do when others leave me....i will be fucked

So i have to stop with this fucking clinginess with people! well, friends....i dont know how people put up with me....i think maybe they all actually think i' a fucking mental asylum escapee but just put up with it lol

Also...another of my revelations today after a thinking MARATHON......i think i change people...and not for the better either.....i change men......any guy who has ever been anywhere near me has taken on this follower/obsessive persona that just plain creeps me out...i need someone to argue with...not someone who'll just do as i say...i don't want to be the commander in a relationship....i want someone who can give as good as he gets lol

I think maybe i scare people or i duno...you tell me....i don't kow what i do...but it's not good in any way

So in a nutshell...turn life around.....

Aims....sort out academic life......stop being clingy and obsessive with friends.....stop intimidating men and finally , and maybe most importantly, employ a full time psychologist to unravel the rest of my mind for me....so i do not end up ranting on a crappy blogsite that my friends will no doubt read and think i have major problems...maybe i'll be put in quarentine.....

So yerr..that helped lol......

here's some advice.....don't lead people on .....you will end up feeling like a user and you may break a friendship....but you know what...that's how it is....and if a friendship breaks it may not have been a good idea in the beggining....

i think out of evry1 i know....every person in my life...there is probably 2 that i can say i honestly believe i will still know when i'm 30.....two people....how unbelievablly terrifying is that...to think that when i get married...i might not know anyone that i know now......don't even get me started dude.......

so yeah i'm gonna go and escape to that amazingly beautiful and convenient land of lyrics called music where i can escape for a while....or i may go write poetry....i shall see

Bye bye darlings...and if anyone could be bothered to read this....don' t think i'm crazy or unstable lol